


Adam 2.0 (Has Questionable Taste In Men)

by EmeraldAshes



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Awkward Romance, Beetlejuice Is His Own Warning, Beetlejuice and His Mood Ring Hair, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Maitlands 2.0, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, The Maitlands and Their Stupidly Wholesome Marriage, Working Title Was LITERALLY "That Dorky Beetlejuice Fic"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 13:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21339256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldAshes/pseuds/EmeraldAshes
Summary: "So it did work? All the kissing and groping and 'let's get naked' stuff?"Adam frowned, crossing his arms. "No, Beetlejuice, I am not attracted to you because of the sexual harassment.""But you are attracted to me?"
Relationships: Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice/Adam Maitland
Comments: 8
Kudos: 334





	Adam 2.0 (Has Questionable Taste In Men)

From Beetlejuice’s perspective, things were totally normal right up until Adam Maitland kissed him. 

“Woah,” Beetlejuice said, lips tingling as Adam pulled away. “Deja Vu.”

“Yeah," Adam said softly as his dark eyes fluttered open.

Beetlejuice leaned against the nearest wall, trying to act casual and be cool and make sure the people sitting in the mezzanine still had a good view. “So what do you want this time?”

Adam swallowed loudly. “You.”

“Yeah, I’m not falling for that one again.”

“I mean it,” Adam insisted firmly. He was aiming for strong and smokin’ hot, but the guy was the human version of an iced caramel latte, light on the ice.

“I’m pretty sure you said that last time,” Beetlejuice pointed out.

Adam immediately wilted. “Did I? I, no, never mind that. No one’s a hostage this time, so I’m trying to seduce you because I want to.”

Beetlejuice stared at him as his hair shifted from its usual green to a deep blue and then a pale orange. Finally, he said, "So it  _ did _ work? All the kissing and groping and 'let's get naked' stuff?"

Adam frowned, crossing his arms. "No, Beetlejuice, I am not attracted to you because of the sexual harassment."

"But you are attracted to me?" 

"Against my better judgment."

"That is totally a yes!" Beetlejuice cried out as he picked up Adam and twirled him around. 

Adam couldn’t resist laughing at the poltergeist’s exuberance. The brunette quieted after the first thirty seconds, though, when Beetlejuice was showing no signs of stopping. If Adam was still alive, he would be turning green and upchucking on Beetlejuice’s clearly-never-laundered striped suit.

“Okay, you can put me down now.” Adam attempted to steady himself on Beetlejuice’s shoulders, which the demon took as permission to dive in for a second kiss. And grab his ass. And grind deliciously against his...

Adam squeaked, breaking out of the kiss. “Look, we’re going to need to s-set up some ground rules.”

Beetlejuice had migrated down as Adam spoke, peppering kisses along the man’s neck and jaw. “I’m not really a fan of rules.”

“Well, I am,” Adam said, struggling not to moan as Beetlejuice bit down on his neck, sucking harshly.

Beetlejuice grinned up at him. “That sounds pretty Maitlands 1.0, dude.”

“Enough with the Maitlands whatever-point-whatever. I’m not Adam 2.0, I’m just Adam who is actually thinking about sleeping with you for some godforsaken reason.”

“Okay,” Beetlejuice said, pulling back a bit. “So what kind of rules are we talking?”

Adam flushed bright red, cursing his Irish heritage. “I...um…”

“Hadn’t thought that far, had ya?”

“Shut up, Beetlejuice” — Adam winced at the kicked puppy expression on the poltergeist’s face — “Actually, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. Maybe that should be rule number one. We shouldn’t speak to each other like that.”

“Ooh, you have to follow the rules, too? Does that mean I get to make rules?” A devilish smile grew from ear to ear on Beetlejuice’s face. Literally. From ear. To ear.

Adam snorted affectionately, ruffling the now electric green hair. “Of course, but don’t go crazy.”

“Already am, babes.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Adam said, darting in for a peck. 

When he pulled back, Beetlejuice was blushing a light pink, which would have been almost unnoticeable if the tips of his hair hadn’t turned the same shade.

“Lydia mentioned that your hair is kind of like a mood ring,” Adam said, lightly running his fingers through the colorful locks. “That’s a neat trick.”

“Pain in my ass, more like,” Beetlejuice said, leaning into the touch. “And not the kind I like, if you know what I mean.”

Adam hummed in vague agreement. 

“Which reminds me,” Beetlejuice said. “What does that bombshell you married think about this? No offense, but she has you by the baaaalls.”

“That’s pretty offensive,” Adam muttered. “And actually, she talked me into it.”

“Ooh? Sounds sexy. Tell Daddy, all the details!” 

* * *

Beetlejuice was weird and perverted and had the temperament of a five-year-old on a sugar high. Frankly, Adam hadn’t even thought of him in a sexual way (beyond “ew”) until he was taking one for the team, locking lips with the ghost, and enjoying the hell out of it.

Sometime in the last 500 years or so, Beetlejuice had gotten really fucking good at kissing. That was the start of Adam’s attraction. Then, just before Beetlejuice had disappeared into the Netherworld, he had called Adam beautiful...and boring. 

That last part had stung a bit. He wasn’t gonna lie.

Of course, the poltergeist had decided to just  _ show up again _ and keep haunting their house, which should have been terrible but was, against all odds, kind of fun. When Adam actually started looking forward to seeing Beetlejuice, waggling eyebrows and all, he knew that he was in trouble.

One evening, as Adam and Barbara settled in for a night in the attic, he told his wife in absolute horror, “I think I might be lusting after Beetlejuice.”

She shrugged. “Go for it.”

“What.”

Barbara gave him a flirtatious wink and said, “Maitlands 2.0, baby! We take what we want, even if it’s some scuzzy old dead dude who doesn’t understand boundaries. Which reminds me, I do not trust him to respect your boundaries. Do you want pepper spray or something? Maybe a shock collar?”

“Wait, by  _ we take what we want _ , do you mean…?”

Barbara paused for a moment, stared at her husband, and then burst into laughter. “No! Oh my  _ God _ . No. Absolutely not. Really, Beetlejuice? Good for you, honey, have at ‘em. Polyamory is very on-brand for the new us. But me and the Ghost with the Most? Not even with a ten-foot pole.”

Adam kept his eyes firmly on the QVC ice cream maker that they’d never taken out of the box. “As long as we’re talking about this, is there anyone you might like to hook up with or...whatever?”

Barbara came close to him. He would be able to feel her body heat if she still had any. She grabbed his hand and squeezed. “No, not right now. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the pickings are slim. And I already know way too much about Charles and Delia’s sex life. But go on and have fun with your ‘whatever.’”

Adam met her gaze, which warmed him in a way nothing else could. “Well, if you’re sure, I mean, I don’t have to —”

“Fuck Beetlejuice?”

“Barbara!”

She giggled. “I tells ‘em like I sees ‘em, hon. Barbara 2.0!”

* * *

“Okay, you could have left out  _ some _ of the details. That was kind of hurtful...Also, I had a really good ten-foot pole joke that you talked over, which is just not cool. Can that be a rule?”

Adam snorted. “No. Definitely not.”

“Well, at least we don’t need her for a threesome. Or a foursome. Or a whatever-some.”

“Uh, what?”

Beetlejuice said, “ I can clone myself. Did you miss that dance number?”

Adam, not being aware that his life was a Broadway musical, decided to change the subject. “Right...Anyway, showering is non-negotiable. And brushing your teeth. Daily.”

“Ah, c’mon, don’t you like me a little” — Beetlejuice waggled his eyebrows — “Dirty?”

“No.”

“I’ve been cultivating this aesthetic since you were in diapers.” Beetlejuice stepped back, striking a pose: wild hair reaching for the ceiling, yellowed teeth on display, musty suit more stains than white.

“The only thing you’re cultivating is a family of bacteria. I can smell your breath from here,” Adam said. 

“Little Bacteria Junior’s finally off to college. I can’t kill his dreams like that. Besides, I don’t remember you complaining about my smell earlier. All I remember is you swooning in my arms."

“The fumes make me dizzy,” Adam said flatly. “I could always shower with you…”

“Sold.” Beetlejuice immediately shrugged out of his jacket.

“Uh, one last thing,” Adam said.

Beetlejuice loosened his tie, fumbling it over his head. “Another rule?”

Adam smiled, the uncomfortable smile that he usually reserved for conversations with his (former?) in-laws. “More like a warning.”

“Look, I already know that Babs is gonna cut off my dick if I hurt you.” 

“Not that kind of warning,” Adam interrupted, grabbing Beetlejuice’s hands before he could whip off his belt. “This might be obvious, but I just wanted to make it clear that I’m not cut out for the whole no-strings-attached thing. I don’t think I’m capable of it, frankly. So if we’re going to do this, then we’re going to  _ do this.  _ Like talking and cuddling and candlelit dinners and bad poetry...Is that alright?”

“Sounds like a pain,” Beetlejuice said, but his voice was soft. His hair had faded to a light yellow, and a smile played at his lips. “But whatever you want, babes.”

Adam took off his shirt, grinning at Beetlejuice’s wolf whistle. “Great! Let’s get naked.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I just caught up on my reviews, and now I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy. I always appreciate the support, and I'm a total sucker for reviewers who quote their fav lines. 
> 
> It's so damned good to be back after not writing for a while. Expect more Good Omens fics, for sure. Also, I'm getting increasingly witchy lately, so I feel a strong urge to write something with Delia in it. That girl is my kinda crazy.


End file.
